The Woes Of Being Richard Bone

This morning I was watching Music Choice Soundscapes and discovered that there is a new age artist with the unfortunate name of Richard Bone. Seriously, what were his parents thinking? At what time in his school life do you think he ran off the bus, into the house screaming at his parents telling them he hated them for giving him such a name. I can see it now, "I don't want to be a Dick, I don't want to be a Dick!"

Yup. This guy's got it rough. I am of a generation that calls no one Dick, well, not in a complimentary sense anyway. Unless you instruct me to call you that, I am not even going there. And, even if you instruct me to call you Dick, I am going to feel strange about it. But this guy...this guy's name just makes you want to call him Dick. Odds are that even if you are introduced to him as Richard Bone, you are immediately thinking, Dick Bone.

My name is Jennifer and people constantly nickname me Jen or Jenny upon meeting me because I am pretty gregarious. Imagine being this guy. He can't win. If he's friendly, people are going to want to nickname him, and I'm guessing they try to call him Rich or Rick, but you know from time to time a "Dick" is slipping out (which sounds bad, but, well...you know). If he's an ass, people that get a bad first impression are also going to want to call him Dick. Yup, life is hard for Dick, uh, I mean Richard.

Oh, and while we are on the subject of Dicks, I am also pretty sure the name Dick is partially responsible for why the country is so messed up right now. Think about the White House years just before Obama. We had George Bush and Dick Cheney running things. Isn't that weird? What do you think the odds were of having a Dick and a Bush in the White House at the same time? I'm just saying, a lot of people seemed surprised when things started heading south, but not me. As I always said during those years, "what did you think was going to happen with a Bush and a Dick in the White House? Things were bound to get f**ked up." People thought I was crass. Oh, sure, crass, but right.

Garbage Can Disposal

I wonder what you would have to write on the side of an old garbage can to get the trash collector to dispose of it. "This is trash!", seems a bit redundant and would probably just be seen as a condesending way of pointing out the obivous contents of the barrel. "Throw this away!", also redundant, abrupt and rude. Or how about "Take this garbage man!"...I think I would just drive by the house and flick the owner off if I saw that one. Well, whatever it is you would have to write, I am pretty sure I just pinpointed the precise reason so many people have crappy garbage cans. You may thank me for figuring this out later.

Ass in the john

So who are all these women who wake up in the middle of the night and fall into the toilet? Some inconsiderate man has left the seat up and has inadvertently caused them to plummet their backend into the icy depths of the bowl. My whole life, since I could use a toilet, I have heard the horror stories of these people but have yet to actually meet one. I am not saying it it's not true. I understand that you are half asleep, things happen, it's just never personally happened to me.

Maybe it's just me but I am keenly aware of my ass placement at all times. I mean really, do you ever truly know what's going on back there if you are not looking? I am not lowering this ass onto anything if I don't know what's going on below me. God forbid I get to some park bench and lower myself onto someone's discarded, half eaten PB& J or arrive at the doctor's office and lower my backend onto some creepy guy's hand perched on the only available seat.

I am just saying, no matter how sleepy, don't you want to know what's under your end? Oh sure, hitting the water is bad enough, but how about hitting the closed lid? Lowering your ass and hitting a hard surface when you think there is going to be space there would be a real shocker too, right? I am guessing it's pretty hazardous. Maybe it's like when people break their leg when they think there is one last stair but there isn't one there. That's one call I don't want to make in the middle of the night to 911, "Help me, I broke my ass!" Odds are that one would make it to the nightly news and you'd never live it down.

Either way, if someone has ever had this experience, I wish they would share their story with me. Or maybe they shouldn't. If they did, I am positive that I would start to critique them and scold them about their obvious lack of ass awareness. That could get really annoying, and I am assuming that if you are a person who lowers your ass into the refreshing depths of a toilet bowl from time to time you are probably already annoyed enough.

water

Isn't it strange how you can have a glass of water on your desk, a miniscule amount which wouldn't even remotely quench your thirst, but yet, somehow, if the water spills, it expands ten fold and destroys everything in it's path, much like the Great Flood? I am pretty sure that if you had a microscope at the precise moment of occurrence, you would see some molecular high fives and "woo hoos" going on.

Human Voice Alarm Clocks

Somebody shoud invent a human voice alarm clock. Ever notice how nothing rouses you from your slumber quite like someone talking to you while you sleep? There could be many options: bitchy voice, kind voice, Mother's irritated voice, or better yet: whisper. Whisper would be super creepy and probably scare the crap out of you. A good adrenaline rush like that could really get you going, in fact, you probably wouldn't even need a coffee.