Calci---Um, did I forget to take that pill?

Hey, what's up with Boniva? Everytime I see a commercial, I get confused, which is interesting, because I thought it was intended to solve bone loss, not cause confusion. Anyway, I digress...my point is that Boniva seems strange to me.

What do you think it could possibly be made out of that allows it to sit in your system and give you enough calcium to last the entire month? Cadaver teeth? Discarded toenail remains? It's probably just a bone fragment wrapped up in a gelatin casing. The name even sounds like "bone eater", doesn't it? You know it does. Oh sure, the company would probably tell you that it means something like "Bone Life" Boniva! But I'm not buying it...or taking it for that matter, I'm not buying it OR taking it.

I'm sure for some people the ability to take a pill only once a month was a Godsend. But was it really so difficult to take a pill daily, or weekly? I don't know about you but I would find it more difficult to remember to take a pill monthy: "AAAAAAHHHH, what the hell? Did I take it on the 15th or the 18th last month? JESUS! JESUS! JESUS! God damn it, I'm gonna break a hip if I don't take that pill!"

I'm just saying, a daily habit is easier to create and maintain than a monthy one, right? Wait, I'll consult with my gnawed off fingernails to see if this is true.

Yup, their stump-like presence on the end of each of my fingers proves my point. Habits are easier to maintain on a daily basis.

This Conversation Really Stinks

Lately, I have noticed that some women use their cell phones while they are using a public toilet. Who is on the other end of that conversation, huh? No one who wants to be, I'll tell you that. And what does the caller preface the conversation with: "Oh girl, be glad you are on my speed dial #1 and not #2!", followed by awkward laughter?


If the thought even crosses your mind to call someone while you are on the john, I am here to tell you that NO ONE wants to talk to you. Yup, that's right, NO ONE. I am pretty sure I would arrange for my own absense while I am using the restroom if I could, so obviously, I don't want to be part of someone else's movement....err, uh, moment.


It all leaves me wondering what the person on the other end of the conversation is feeling. Do they feel really important? ("Hey, I'm so amazing, they cannot even finish defecating before they talk to me! YES!!") or really unimportant? ("What the hell, you couldn't wait until you finished peeing to call me?") Yup, it's hard to guess what they are thinking.


I know what I'm thinking, though. I'm thinking twice about asking anyone to use the Petri dish in their pocket they call a cell phone.

I just saw a commercial for some laundry cleaning product (I cannot remember which one) where the grandmother is hip and kind. She's going on and on about how great her middle-aged granddaughter is going to look in a concert t-shirt from the eighties after she spruces it up with color booster. Do people really have grandmothers like that? They should have cast me with my grandmother. That would have been an entirely different commercial. My grandmother is super crotchedy and mean-spirited. She would have told me I was too old to wear a rock concert T-shirt and that my thighs were too thick for my jeans. And me, after decades of withstanding her super-crank factor, would finally break down and scream "Oh yeah, old woman? You're lucky I don't hum this (insert product name here) bottle at you!" Yup, it would be weird to see this level of realism in advertising, but all that rageful screaming of the product name would really make you remember what it was, right?

Yaz or No?

I love the new Yaz birth control commercial that makes it seem like if you are in are control of getting pregnant, you can live the rest of your life with wild abandon. You can do things like bathe with your clothes on (who doesn't want to do that?), cut the hair you've been growing out for 6 years into chunky, ugly bangs (I'm pretty sure chunky, ugly bangs are going to get a person less "bangs", but what do I know, right?), blow bubbles in the house and make your carpet sudsy (yes!), and paint your walls an ugly shade of orange that you'll just have to neutralize in two years when you go to sell your condo. But who cares? You are wild and crazy on YAZ!!!!!!!!

While the obvious audience for this commercial is female, I am pretty sure this is how I would interpret the commercial if I were a guy: Wow, Yaz makes a woman stupid. If a woman chooses Yaz as a birth control method, it's going to be the last logical decision she ever makes. If a woman who uses Yaz will bathe with her clothes on, the chances are good that she is going to sleep with me. I need to find a chick using Yaz.

Hey! It turns out you'll probably need Yaz afterall! The problem is that all the normal, sane, great guys will most likely weed you out as being a major nutbag because you are bathing with your clothes on, constantly complaining that cutting your bangs was the biggest mistake you ever made, and blowing bubbles like an idiot in your house while sitting in the garish, orange living room. Yup, it's likely the men that are left are not going to be the ones you were really hoping would sleep with you. Bummer.

Wow! All the more reason you should not be procreating, huh?

I'm so hungry, I could eat my sleeve

I think more foods should come in sleeves like Ritz crackers. Not only is it fun to say you're eating something from a sleeve, but it's like a built in portion control device. I'll fully admit that I have eaten half a sleeve before, maybe even a whole sleeve if I have been on some sort of cracker frenzy. But I am never going to eat 2 sleeves. I mean, if you are eating 2 sleeves of crackers, you're halfway to eating a whole garment's worth of crackers, and frankly, you should probably just strap the box of crackers to your face like some sort of feed bag.

The Woes Of Being Richard Bone

This morning I was watching Music Choice Soundscapes and discovered that there is a new age artist with the unfortunate name of Richard Bone. Seriously, what were his parents thinking? At what time in his school life do you think he ran off the bus, into the house screaming at his parents telling them he hated them for giving him such a name. I can see it now, "I don't want to be a Dick, I don't want to be a Dick!"

Yup. This guy's got it rough. I am of a generation that calls no one Dick, well, not in a complimentary sense anyway. Unless you instruct me to call you that, I am not even going there. And, even if you instruct me to call you Dick, I am going to feel strange about it. But this guy...this guy's name just makes you want to call him Dick. Odds are that even if you are introduced to him as Richard Bone, you are immediately thinking, Dick Bone.

My name is Jennifer and people constantly nickname me Jen or Jenny upon meeting me because I am pretty gregarious. Imagine being this guy. He can't win. If he's friendly, people are going to want to nickname him, and I'm guessing they try to call him Rich or Rick, but you know from time to time a "Dick" is slipping out (which sounds bad, but, well...you know). If he's an ass, people that get a bad first impression are also going to want to call him Dick. Yup, life is hard for Dick, uh, I mean Richard.

Oh, and while we are on the subject of Dicks, I am also pretty sure the name Dick is partially responsible for why the country is so messed up right now. Think about the White House years just before Obama. We had George Bush and Dick Cheney running things. Isn't that weird? What do you think the odds were of having a Dick and a Bush in the White House at the same time? I'm just saying, a lot of people seemed surprised when things started heading south, but not me. As I always said during those years, "what did you think was going to happen with a Bush and a Dick in the White House? Things were bound to get f**ked up." People thought I was crass. Oh, sure, crass, but right.

Garbage Can Disposal

I wonder what you would have to write on the side of an old garbage can to get the trash collector to dispose of it. "This is trash!", seems a bit redundant and would probably just be seen as a condesending way of pointing out the obivous contents of the barrel. "Throw this away!", also redundant, abrupt and rude. Or how about "Take this garbage man!"...I think I would just drive by the house and flick the owner off if I saw that one. Well, whatever it is you would have to write, I am pretty sure I just pinpointed the precise reason so many people have crappy garbage cans. You may thank me for figuring this out later.